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Posts tagged ‘philosophy’

A Masochist In The Making?


                Life has been driving me crazy lately.  The decisions I have been making are causing me to lose more and more people in my life. I do not know why I cannot control myself lately, it is like something has come over me taking over the actual me that I use to know.  I am driven more by desires lately than duty.  I thought that desire is what makes one happy and it is supposed to be what one wants to do over what we ought to do.  I have always lived my life making the correct choices and now I am on a completely different journey. My desires are begging me to change, to live differently; and as much as I want to stop my crazy decisions, I am addicted by own body’s masochistic ways.  I do things that cause me a great deal of pain and I cannot seem to stray away from the pain in my life.  Am I a masochist? Someone at work told me I was and I did not want to believe him until now.  Why is pain so addicting lately? Pain is reality that hits over and over again and I want to engulf in its taste.  My insides are thirsting for something that I do not know, my desires are clouding my judgments and are taking me on crazy rides.  I am not this person, I am not this demon getting taken over every single day. Damn it. I hate it so much, but am so intrigued by this person inside of me. Who is she  and where did she come from? I like her in a way, she is different and sexy and dangerous.  I cannot wait to see where she takes me.  A dangerous ride that I am stepping on and not planning on getting off, at least for a little while.



What Makes us Fall? Is Pain Really Worth it?…Part 4


            I started getting pretty excited on our way to the game, I was intrigued at how Eric would react to a professional lacrosse game.  He wanted to get there early so we could have some dinner; chicken fingers and fries, oh yeah classy and nutritious. It was adorable. I could tell he was pretty pumped about the game, hundreds of people wearing orange and black started passing by us, one more drunk than the other.  We got to our FRON ROW SEATS, and waited for the game to start.  The stadium went completely dark, my heart started beating as he held my hand and we waited for the bag pipe player to reach the stadium from the 200 section. Adrenaline was rushing through every fan as the players started appearing one by one, throwing themselves against the glass, fans kept pounding the glass begging for the players to throw themselves at them. It. Was. Awesome.

            The music was loud and it made you want to get up and dance, security guards were preparing themselves for fights that were already initiating. I was home and Eric was right next to me.  Every time my team would score Eric would get up, hit his fits against the glass, scream, just like he had been a fan for years.  He put his arm around me and kissed me every time he had a chance. He kept whispering in my ear, “You are so beautiful. You’re making every guy jealous right now.” He made me melt and I hated him for it.  When the kiss cam came on he quickly put his arms around me, trying every possible way to get our chance in the spot light.  We did not get it, but I got my kiss.

            After the game I did not want the night to end, we went to Spot Coffee; we sat and talked for hours. He held my hand and watched as I poured that caramel macchiato down my throat; he hated coffee so he was drinking a diet coke.  We talked about everything we could think of, he talked about his family, his farm, his car, his future, he was letting me in nice and deep; I was not use to this kind of stuff.  I remember him looking at an old couple and him saying, “I bet you they have been married for 50 years. I want that. I don’t care if I don’t like my wife after a while, I am never getting a divorce.”  I could not believe what I was hearing, I do not really believe in divorce, but the way he talked just made me want him even more. 

            He told me he wanted to live on a farm away from the city, a comment I was not ready to hear.  I hate technology and my dream is to have my own farm in the middle of nowhere, I do not know if he ever realized how perfect he was for me.  Do men ever realize how perfect they are for us? Do they see how their words affect us in ten million ways? All I know is his words did, the more he talked the more I kept to myself, I was not ready to give him a part of me, I was not ready to let him in. Are we ever really ready to let someone into our lives that has the ability to tear our world apart and cause us  a great deal of suffering?  I do not know this question to this day, I know the pain, not the cause for the pain, or why I let myself go through it.  Eric took me home that night, walked me to the door, and kissed me good-night.  Another perfect date. Another perfect night. Another time.


Yes, I am a Virgin!… Part Three

                Eric walked me to the door and kissed me good-bye.  It was a perfect date with a perfect ending; but something I realized too late is that perfect does not exist, unless you believe in God.  Let’s face it, who would want to date a perfect being, it would suck and be annoying. So, I am happy that I am not perfect in any shape or form; and that most people who meet me think I am either crazy or a freak.  Maybe that is why some boys are attracted to my charm, they love my awesomeness, which I cannot totally blame them for.  To be honest, I never really quite understood what it was that made a guy look my way, why me and not another girl; more questions to add to my list.  I have a list filled with unanswered questions that I am hoping to ask God when I die, so please exist!

            Back to my beautiful fairytale… Eric was perfect after our first date, we made a big transition from one date to a relationship.  I am not going to lie, IT FREAKED ME OUT! He would hold my hand, kiss me in front of people, and I got stupid butterflies every time he came near me, it was a nightmare. He texted me every minute of the day, annoying the poop out of me blah blah blah… Boring stuff.

            I am about to let you in a little secret about the person I am, I am a virgin, SHHH! Please do not tell anybody, personal conversation.  I am not the kind to “get it in” any time soon after meeting a guy, or ever.  I never told Eric my secret, I think it was because I was embarrassed of something that should be cherished and did not want him to judge me in any way.  I was dumb for not being honest I understand, but you can imagine how sexual it got between us. A kiss here and there, lots of cuddling at our movie dates.  I never want to move to quick with a guy, I want him to fall hard for me before I give him any part of me.  He understood where I stood somehow and never quite pressured me to do anything I did not want to do.

            I remember him buying me tickets to my favorite sports team after I had told him about it in a passing conversation.  I could not believe my luck, I found a guy who was handsome and listened to what I told him; I hit the jackpot.  The problem was my mom surprised me with front row tickets for the same exact game, and knowing my stupid self I told him about it  and he was cool about not using his tickets( I mean at least that is what it looked like).  He picked me up and was brave enough to meet my three older brothers, two biological and one big family moocher. Eric was willing to do anything to take me out on a date, which I gave him a lot of credit for. I got in the car and accidently sat on a piece of paper, a parking pass he had bought. This guy really did think of everything. The sad part was I opened my big fat slobbery mouth, “ Oh I already got the parking pass.”  Shit, poop, why are you so stupid!! Those were the reoccurring thoughts that kept appearing in my mind after that disappointing look he let me see for about two seconds before it was back to a fake smile. He put on his country music and we were on our way, I felt like a bitch and thank God I had no idea what he was feeling.  Till next time.