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Posts tagged ‘comedy’

What is the point of a boyfriend?

Dear people,

A boyfriend is supposed to be a companion. A person who willingly and voluntarily wants to share his time with you, right?? I think I am mistaken in this assumption, not based on opinion but empirical evidence. You see it is Thursday night and I am alone. I just finished watching Awkward one of my favorite shows, but here I am, alone. Oh he texted me, “what are you doing?” Oh you know you stupid fuck watching tv with my family instead of you coming over to spend to time with your beautiful girl. I don’t understand the point of being with a guy who does not want to spend time with me. I thought that was the whole point, I want someone to be with me and come over and cuddle. I tried to break up with his ass, but oh no, “baby I don’t want to lose you blah blah blah.” Like shut the fuck up. Sometimes I just want to crack open a guy’s head and see if it is really brains in there or some weird substance still unknown to science. If a guy is your boyfriend he automatically has obligations to do what you want to do or at least have the decency to end the relationship. Grow some balls men, because while you are “hanging with the bros,” we are “texting other bros.”

Pissed as hell



Dear Vinny, You broke my heart. Sincerely, LC

I am here to let the world know how saddened and hurt I was by the events that took place on the episode of “Jersey Shore” last night. Unfortunately, I was not able to finish the episode, which brings such multitude of knowledge to our youth; I had to turn it off after a mere 20 minutes or so.  My favorite character was always Vinny; he displayed class and maturity, remember that time he left the show for about one episode? It seemed that he had almost, for about two days, realized that maybe it was time to move on. Oh, but do not worry my fellow Vinny lovers, he came back and boy was I happy. Him, with all those tattoos that do not make sense and make him look so handsome, I knew he was going to bring back some kind of enlightenment to bestow upon his roommates, but man was I wrong.

I do not know why I did not see it coming; I mean everybody does it, right? We all go to clubs to bring back girls who are “DTF” and you know bring back two, just in case one is a lesbian and does not want to suck your c*ck.  And you know how we all sit around and brag about the less attractive girl who is waiting around just in case your better option does not work out.  OH WAIT, WE DON’T.  The way the women were portrayed in that episode, like objects waiting around to be used and then disposed of, it made me sick.  I know it happens in every episode, but this one hit home. I always saw Vinny as this great guy, with maybe even a couple morals hanging around, but he sure proved this fan wrong.  So, I am going to end this with a little letter:

Dear Vinny,

I still have high hopes that you will become the person I know you can be! I know somewhere inside your tanned little body, you will find respect for women and treat them like they actually deserve to be treated.  You let me down, and it’s okay, we all make mistakes.  I believe in you and hope that you will only illustrate, not just in the show, but in the world, the person who you want to be, and the person who you CAN be. Please do not make me hate you ever again.

All my love,

Layla Clark

He Deleted ME Off Facebook…The end.. Part 12

                I felt so low after that stupid morning, I had finally experienced my first asshole. I felt like I needed a round of applause. “You did it,” “He got you!” I felt embarrassed and used. “I can’t believe you didn’t fuck me last night.” REALLY!! REALLLYYY! Who the fuck says that? Excuse my language. But seriously.  Want to know the worst part, the next day he deleted me off his Facebook!! Hahahahahah.  What a douche. I hate it when boys delete me off their Facebook, like wow your cool we’re no longer friends, you really got me.  The whole concept just really pisses me off.

                Okay, now I have to share something with you, you might hate me and lose respect for me; you should know that I hate me and have lost respect for me too. I am going to do this fast, I texted the stupid asshole and was like “ I am sorry, u probs hate me. We should talk.” Wow, I really had no respect for myself. This guy had screwed me over, and here I was texting him. Want to know the best part, he texted me back and said, “We should go our separate ways.”

                I had gotten screwed twice in one weekend by the asshole, and we did not even have sex.  Well, I guess this is really how my story ends with this guy.  I never really saw him after that, except driving around.  I slowly but surely got my self-confidence back, and am glad that I met Eric. If it was not for him, I would think men were actually nice creatures. If it was not for Eric, I would still think that boys are harmless.

                So, ladies take from a girl with all the experience in the world, not.   Boys are jerks, and even if you think your boy is not a jerk, well, he is.  He will hurt you, and if you think he won’t, think again.  Better yet, we should all just become lesbians, and leave them all to pleasure their asshole selves. Who’s with me!?  Yeah, maybe not.

Till next time.


“I can’t believe you didn’t BLEEP me last night.” Walk of Shame… Part 11

                Alcohol has the ability to make us do things we would never do, and make us think things we would never think. I want to blame alcohol for the events that took place that fateful night that I will share with you.  It is sad really, when you lose your brain and cannot seem to find it as it is swimming in your mind. I knew Eric was outside, but I was inside, with this guy name Will.  He was cute and I knew he liked me, for some reason my brain told me that it was okay to kiss this guy and hope that Eric will see.  

                I was angry, Eric had not spoken to me at that party and I was starting to lose it. My thoughts were not working right so I grabbed Will and I kissed him. He was okay, I was only using him.   My sister dragged me into the bathroom and I poured my thoughts out, “Eric hates me.”

                “He saw you and whistled and told you to go and say hi! You are just drunk and stupid to notice anything.”

                “Oh.” Was all I could say.  I went outside forgetting Will and found Eric, he seemed a little distant, once again playing those stupid little games.  We were all getting ready to play a game of beer pong and Eric went inside to get the booze.  Will found me and wrapped his arms around me, “Yes.” I had him right where I wanted him and started making out with him.  Eric came out and saw me, “perfect,” I thought. This would make him jealous and he would want me back.  Wow, was I wrong!

                Eric could not look me in the face the whole night, so I followed him around, making him look me in the face. He said,  “ I cannot believe you did that, I would have never made out with a girl in front of you.”  I could not make sense of anything, my mind was to foggy, he was mad , but mad was good, right? WRONG.

                I managed to stay with him that night, we did not have sex, but I knew he wanted to.  I was just happy, I had him right where I wanted, and it seemed like he had forgiven me for kissing Will.  We cuddled and fell asleep.  I woke up the next morning, in his arms, hangover had not hit me yet, but everything was perfect. We woke up, I looked into his eyes, he looked into mine, and he said the most romantic thing I had ever heard: “I can’t believe you didn’t fuck me last night.” I was ready to die.

                He basically kicked me out at 7:30 in the morning. Clothes in hand, walking the walk of shame. Yup, he was the biggest gentleman in whole world, NOT.  I wanted to throw up, I felt so low and disgusting, I could not even look myself in the face.

Till next time.


“I like you, but not as a girlfriend.” Part 10 of my miserable life..


                We let go of our beautiful embrace, and I was happy for the first time in months. I could not help but stare at him, memorizing all his features once again.  His eyes, still blue, not that his eyes were supposed to change color or anything.   He smelled amazing and manly, gosh I had been with him for two minutes and was already turned on, he he.  We talked for a little bit, and then he left, “class” he said.  When a guy puts class over you, then you know he does not like you; I had to learn that the hard way.

                Throughout the first couple of weeks of the semester, the only times I had even seen Eric was when I would eventually run into him. He would shoot me the usual, most informative “Hey” text message and that was that. I was starting to get sick of his stupid games, and him not getting on his knees and  telling me he loved me, and all that movie crap. So, I did what any normal girl in that situation would do; I texted the asshole, I mean Eric. “I really like you, do you still like me?”

                I am going to cut it short for you, all in all it took him about an hour of talking for him to tell me, “I like you, but not as a girlfriend.” Ouch, it sucked, I was hurt once again. I felt like all those months of daydreaming during work that summer were wasted and I wanted to die.  So, once again I did what any other girl would do, I went to a party next door to his apartment.

                I got dressed up, jeans, purple crop top, make-up was done, and I had my flirt on.  I knew that once I got  to the party I would see him and he would see me, and we would fall in love, right? Well, before I walked over to the party me and my friends decided to take some shots to take the edge off, and man did I take the edge off. 

                I downed maybe five shotsies and was on my way to get my man back. Maybe I should inform you, I am a light weight, small, and alcohol hits pretty hard, if you get what I am saying.  I was pretty drunk by the time I got there. Someone whistled, I lifted my head up, and there he was, mine for the taking. I gave him a quick smile and walked inside the apartment totally ignoring him. I was cool, let me tell you. Well, I was feeling the alcohol, feeling Eric, and was getting pissed that he was not saying hi to me again. I made some pretty stupid decisions that night!! So, I will give your little party brains a little break.

Till next time.



When is it really okay to start pet names in a relationship?

I was asking myself this question when I received a text from this guy I am “sort of” with, this is what he said: “Good point. Goodnight munchkin.”

I do not know why after reading this text I got this gagging feeling in my throat.  First of all I am NOT some snack from Dunkin Donuts, second of all am I fat that he has to come up with that nickname? We had only been together a few months; he is not even my boyfriend. To me, pet names have always taken the relationship to the next level.

Then I started thinking, what is a good pet name? Honey, baby, sweetie, sweetie pie, honey bunches of oats, squirrel, flower, and the list goes on forever. I do not care if it is good or not, there should be specific time to cross that line, maybe sit down and have a conversation about what is appropriate. Then, tell your significant other when he is able to use such nickname.

I gave a guy my number and two seconds later, he was already calling me “sweetheart.” That right there was a deal breaker. I do not know if it just me that thinks this way.  Per names can be embarrassing and should only be used when both parties have a non spoken agreement, better yet SPOKEN agreement on when to start with the names.

When do you think it is okay to start using pet names? What is the most embarrassing one you have heard?

Thanks a lot BABIES (gagging sound) !!


A Little Tip To Make You Happy :)

I have been a little down lately and have been searching for the things that make me happy.  I was walking down the hallway of my school when I noticed a girl wearing an ugly ass sweater.  Then, I thought to myself, wow thank god I don’t have that sweater and it made me feel tres bon. I was looking at things that made others look bad, not only did it give me a confidence boost, it also made me a little bit happier.

So just for you here is a tip:

When you are feeling down look at something that makes someone else look bad, and be happy that you are not that person.

And when you become jolly and happy, look at that poor person and compliment them on something, who knows maybe he or she is also having a downer kind of day… Hence, why else would you wear an ugly sweater.

Till next time