Life has been driving me crazy lately. The decisions I have been making are causing me to lose more and more people in my life. I do not know why I cannot control myself lately, it is like something has come over me taking over the actual me that I use to know. I am driven more by desires lately than duty. I thought that desire is what makes one happy and it is supposed to be what one wants to do over what we ought to do. I have always lived my life making the correct choices and now I am on a completely different journey. My desires are begging me to change, to live differently; and as much as I want to stop my crazy decisions, I am addicted by own body’s masochistic ways. I do things that cause me a great deal of pain and I cannot seem to stray away from the pain in my life. Am I a masochist? Someone at work told me I was and I did not want to believe him until now. Why is pain so addicting lately? Pain is reality that hits over and over again and I want to engulf in its taste. My insides are thirsting for something that I do not know, my desires are clouding my judgments and are taking me on crazy rides. I am not this person, I am not this demon getting taken over every single day. Damn it. I hate it so much, but am so intrigued by this person inside of me. Who is she and where did she come from? I like her in a way, she is different and sexy and dangerous. I cannot wait to see where she takes me. A dangerous ride that I am stepping on and not planning on getting off, at least for a little while.