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A Masochist In The Making?


                Life has been driving me crazy lately.  The decisions I have been making are causing me to lose more and more people in my life. I do not know why I cannot control myself lately, it is like something has come over me taking over the actual me that I use to know.  I am driven more by desires lately than duty.  I thought that desire is what makes one happy and it is supposed to be what one wants to do over what we ought to do.  I have always lived my life making the correct choices and now I am on a completely different journey. My desires are begging me to change, to live differently; and as much as I want to stop my crazy decisions, I am addicted by own body’s masochistic ways.  I do things that cause me a great deal of pain and I cannot seem to stray away from the pain in my life.  Am I a masochist? Someone at work told me I was and I did not want to believe him until now.  Why is pain so addicting lately? Pain is reality that hits over and over again and I want to engulf in its taste.  My insides are thirsting for something that I do not know, my desires are clouding my judgments and are taking me on crazy rides.  I am not this person, I am not this demon getting taken over every single day. Damn it. I hate it so much, but am so intrigued by this person inside of me. Who is she  and where did she come from? I like her in a way, she is different and sexy and dangerous.  I cannot wait to see where she takes me.  A dangerous ride that I am stepping on and not planning on getting off, at least for a little while.



Comments on: "A Masochist In The Making?" (4)

  1. anotherdaysucks said:

    I was looking for a blog like yours. If you read the title of my blog, you will notice my life is not even better. I don’t think you are a masochist. The life is masochist sometimes.

    • Thank you for that. I’m starting to believe I am not a masochist either, I am just looking at life in a different view. Life is so short and I am realizing how much I have not lived and it is driving me wild. I am letting my need to live drive my decisions. I am starting to control it a lot better now and have tried to apologize to those I’ve hurt and I am starting to get things back to normal, if normal even exist. I hate that word. Life is pain, and we just need to learn how to view positives; new goal in life, I think so.

  2. The world we live in is constantly in search of things that we WANT more than what is NEEDED. Whether through food, material things, affection, or popularity, everyone is searching for another thing to fill a void itching continuously to be filled. The fact is (and I’ve seen it multiple times), none of it does the trick. No matter how rich someone is, they never feel like they have enough. The same goes for sex, drugs, alcohol, jewelry, shiny cars, “the finer things,” etc–the craving is there, and when fed, it’s sustained for a minute…until it comes back again. When we trust in this world to much, when we depend on our cravings instead of our needs (and the people that matter the most), we begin to drive ourselves crazy.

    Now, I’m not going to try and get preachy on you (because I’ve never met you and that’s not my style). I will say that you may need to take a step back and look at your whole life in a different perspective. Maybe even get an outsider’s take on your life, because it could explain the innards you’re fighting with–could keep you from going a little too coo-coo for co-co puffs.

    Hopefully, this helps somewhat, b/c pain is something we all go through, but never a good thing to hold on to.

    • I understand exaclty where your words are coming from and that is exactly what I am doing. I am taking a step back and looking at what my life is and what I am doing with it. I met a person who opened my eyes in so many ways and I am glad you responded because he is leaving me; I am glad that you both share a similar view. Pain is pain and I have learned to forgive the cause of my pain and moving on is so much easier.

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