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Archive for September, 2011

A Masochist In The Making?


                Life has been driving me crazy lately.  The decisions I have been making are causing me to lose more and more people in my life. I do not know why I cannot control myself lately, it is like something has come over me taking over the actual me that I use to know.  I am driven more by desires lately than duty.  I thought that desire is what makes one happy and it is supposed to be what one wants to do over what we ought to do.  I have always lived my life making the correct choices and now I am on a completely different journey. My desires are begging me to change, to live differently; and as much as I want to stop my crazy decisions, I am addicted by own body’s masochistic ways.  I do things that cause me a great deal of pain and I cannot seem to stray away from the pain in my life.  Am I a masochist? Someone at work told me I was and I did not want to believe him until now.  Why is pain so addicting lately? Pain is reality that hits over and over again and I want to engulf in its taste.  My insides are thirsting for something that I do not know, my desires are clouding my judgments and are taking me on crazy rides.  I am not this person, I am not this demon getting taken over every single day. Damn it. I hate it so much, but am so intrigued by this person inside of me. Who is she  and where did she come from? I like her in a way, she is different and sexy and dangerous.  I cannot wait to see where she takes me.  A dangerous ride that I am stepping on and not planning on getting off, at least for a little while.



When Does A Parent Give Up On His Child? Is It Possible Or Does Love Conquer All?

        What does it mean to give up on a child? Is it possible to stop caring about your child and watch him ruin his life? These are some questions I have been asking myself all day. My sister is not your typical teen who gets into trouble here and there, it is almost as if trouble follows her wherever she goes; whether she gets caught driving at an early age by the police or gets caught drinking in an abandoned house when she was in middle school.   My parents have had to see my sister grow into a beautiful woman whom I love with all my heart. She is so special and so different than any other human being on this planet, she has a certain spark that makes any person she encounters fall under a spell; especially my parents.

          They have had to pick her up from the police station multiple times, they have had to see her go to the hospital from drinking too much.  She has gotten caught shop lifting, it is a list that keeps on growing; not in a good way.  I have seen my mother cry over her, my father tear up at her actions, but I have never seen them turn their back on my sister. Today, once again, she was caught drinking at school and is now suspended for three days.  My mom called me crying, no longer knowing what to do. I stayed on the phone with her and told her to go home and give my sister a big hug and kiss, to tell her that she loves her with all her heart. I reminded her how lucky she is to have my sister in her life, that she is alive and healthy.

          Teens make so many mistakes and some of them lose their lives over their mistakes. My sister is at home, maybe crying, but she is alive.  I am not a parent and not even close to becoming one, but if you are a parent I want to remind you that if your child does something to hurt you or himself, you need to know that you are so lucky to have that child in your life.  So many parents are not able to hold their children and tell them they love them. I cannot find a reason for why a parent would give up on their child.  I feel that if a parent says he is giving up, it is just a cover, for that parent knows exactly what he or she is doing.

          My mother may be hurt right now, but I know she is getting home and holding my sister this very moment, one never knows when life ends, so why waste it with tears? I know I will never find a concrete answer for why some parents give up on their children, maybe they lose hope and all will is lost; or maybe they are so lost trying to find an answer they lose sight of their children.  My parents will never stop fighting for my sister and neither will I. I know one day we will all look at these hard times and maybe share a laugh, but right now I know there is so much work to be done.

         Live your life for today with your child. Hold them tight and tighter and cry together because you only have that one moment; share laughter and love.  It is so easy to get caught up in anger, take the anger in and forgive that child; for he or she is so special and one day you might find yourself without your child and wishing they could be in your arms once again. Forgive, cry, love, fight, love, yell, love, embrace love.


Getting Rid Of The WRONG Guy, And Absolutely Hating Myself For It!!!!!! Part 6


                I noticed a hickey on my neck while I was getting ready for work.  As I inspected my neck I started wondering when I got it and why I did not notice it. I texted Eric, “You gave me a hickey ,” and finished putting on my hideous work outfit; it consisted of gray hip hugging pants, followed by a matching button up shirt, yummy, oh and do not forget the visor, I was looking hot! He texted me back saying, “Are you mad honey? I’m coming to visit I wanna see it.”  I smiled, he was coming to visit me.  I no longer cared that I looked like shit every time he saw me at work and just wanted to see his beautiful face. 

            I worked on campus at the cafeteria, my coffee shop was right next to Moe’s, awesome fattening foods for the American population. I saw Eric walk in with his friends and get in line for Moe’s, he waved at me and sat down with his friends.  I waited for him to come say bye to me until I lost all hope when I saw him leave.  I was not mad that he did not say bye to me, I was furious.  WHY THE HELL would he come and not even say hi to me, I just wanted to hit him in the face.  I guess I just did not understand it, so naturally I texted him, “Why didn’t you say bye to me?” His response, “ Sry honey, we just left.”  May I please comment on the amazing conversational skills that males possess; they get right to the point and pretend everything is fine.

            I had never been mad at him before and by the time work was over I had gotten over it.  We were texting when I got home until he stopped responding.  So to get back at him I ignored all his texts for the rest of the night; I know, I know, I am extremely mature.  I texted him the next morning and we talked, we did not get a chance to see each other that day, and the next day, and the next day after that.  I was starting to wonder why he was not making the effort to see me and unfortunately decided to take my problem to my mother; her advice, get rid of him.  Want to know what I did? Yup, I got rid of him.  I told myself I did not like him at all and asked him if he wanted to get breakfast, and did he? Of course not, he was busy.  So I texted him, “This is not going to work out…blah blah blah… I’ll miss you.”

            I felt good after sending that text, I was no longer attached to anything and was done waiting around, if he did not make the time for me, why on earth would I make the time for him?  He texted me back right away and said, “ Is this because we didn’t hang out today?” HELL YEAH AND THE PAST WEEK.  I never responded and he texted once again, notice his inability to pick a phone and call(just saying), “ You are a beautiful girl, you do not deserve to have to wait for anyone, blah blah blah…” I finally gave in and told him I felt ignored and his response, “ Sorry I’ve just been busy.”  Cool, I was done with him and was ready to move on, at least that is what I kept telling myself.

            I did not realize how much I liked the asshole until I got to bed and could not sleep.  I stayed wide awake thinking about him nonstop.  Every part of my body was aching for him to talk to me, to want me back, I regretted every event that took place on that fateful day.  I even cried! I had never cried over a stupid boy before and was hating myself even more.  At three in the morning my phone vibrated, it was Eric.  I breathed in and opened the text message.  Till next time.


Finally I Fell For The WRONG Guy…! Part 5

            I was lost in my own world trying to figure out the effects this boy had on the emotional and physical aspects of my life.  I was attracted to him, yes, he was so beautiful in my eyes; and when someone becomes the beauty in your life, it is almost impossible to stay away. I was being divided in two by my own conscious, she kept reminding me I was not falling for anyone, it had only been three weeks. The part that wanted me to stay away became invisible toward my true feelings. I knew in my heart I wanted this boy and not even I could keep myself away.  I found myself thinking about him every minute of the day, that was when I knew something was wrong. This could not be happening to me! I did not need a man in my life to make it more interesting and fun, I was used to being alone and content with the person I was. But GOD DAMN IT, every time I saw him it was like a different me, a movie me, a movie that was past due and needed to be returned ASAP.  I never quite understood love songs, until I found myself in one. I needed to gain control, I needed to put my life back into perspective; but how is someone supposed to give up love? (If it even was that).
            Eric left me for four days to visit his family. I went to visit him on that sad last day, we cuddled on his bed and watched a Mets game(I think), and it was great.  My stomach was in knots and I did not want to leave him but his plane was coming and my shift was starting. I walked him to the bus stop where we hugged and kissed good-bye. “I” was great, let me tell you, I was not going to sit around and wait for some guy while he was away, and I did not. He texted me every day religiously and I returned the favor. He told me he missed every second and I never once let it get to me. I had him under my spell, he was mine and that was that!

           I remember getting ready to see him when he got back, my stomach was aching and my mind racing; I HATED THAT FEELING. I hated not being able to control my own body, I hated that he had a certain control over me, I hated every minute of it; and yet it was freaking worth it when I saw him for the first time in about a week. He was standing at the bus stop wearing blue work out shorts, his favorite baseball cap, a white t-shirt, and that beautiful grin that had me melting in seconds. He took me in his arms and gave me a long kiss, we walked hand in hand to his dorm room. We kissed and hugged and played around like little kids, it was disgusting how much I liked him.  The thing that sucked the most was that I had to leave and go to work.  As I left, I gave him kisses up and down his face, he had that big smile on and so did I.  That was the last time we shared a kiss, well not our last because I was drunk one night(months later, we’ll get to that). I left not knowing I was going to lose him and all that stupid pain and suffering would slowly creep up on me. It’s funny how easily happiness is ripped away from you and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to prevent it. Till next time.


What Makes us Fall? Is Pain Really Worth it?…Part 4


            I started getting pretty excited on our way to the game, I was intrigued at how Eric would react to a professional lacrosse game.  He wanted to get there early so we could have some dinner; chicken fingers and fries, oh yeah classy and nutritious. It was adorable. I could tell he was pretty pumped about the game, hundreds of people wearing orange and black started passing by us, one more drunk than the other.  We got to our FRON ROW SEATS, and waited for the game to start.  The stadium went completely dark, my heart started beating as he held my hand and we waited for the bag pipe player to reach the stadium from the 200 section. Adrenaline was rushing through every fan as the players started appearing one by one, throwing themselves against the glass, fans kept pounding the glass begging for the players to throw themselves at them. It. Was. Awesome.

            The music was loud and it made you want to get up and dance, security guards were preparing themselves for fights that were already initiating. I was home and Eric was right next to me.  Every time my team would score Eric would get up, hit his fits against the glass, scream, just like he had been a fan for years.  He put his arm around me and kissed me every time he had a chance. He kept whispering in my ear, “You are so beautiful. You’re making every guy jealous right now.” He made me melt and I hated him for it.  When the kiss cam came on he quickly put his arms around me, trying every possible way to get our chance in the spot light.  We did not get it, but I got my kiss.

            After the game I did not want the night to end, we went to Spot Coffee; we sat and talked for hours. He held my hand and watched as I poured that caramel macchiato down my throat; he hated coffee so he was drinking a diet coke.  We talked about everything we could think of, he talked about his family, his farm, his car, his future, he was letting me in nice and deep; I was not use to this kind of stuff.  I remember him looking at an old couple and him saying, “I bet you they have been married for 50 years. I want that. I don’t care if I don’t like my wife after a while, I am never getting a divorce.”  I could not believe what I was hearing, I do not really believe in divorce, but the way he talked just made me want him even more. 

            He told me he wanted to live on a farm away from the city, a comment I was not ready to hear.  I hate technology and my dream is to have my own farm in the middle of nowhere, I do not know if he ever realized how perfect he was for me.  Do men ever realize how perfect they are for us? Do they see how their words affect us in ten million ways? All I know is his words did, the more he talked the more I kept to myself, I was not ready to give him a part of me, I was not ready to let him in. Are we ever really ready to let someone into our lives that has the ability to tear our world apart and cause us  a great deal of suffering?  I do not know this question to this day, I know the pain, not the cause for the pain, or why I let myself go through it.  Eric took me home that night, walked me to the door, and kissed me good-night.  Another perfect date. Another perfect night. Another time.


Yes, I am a Virgin!… Part Three

                Eric walked me to the door and kissed me good-bye.  It was a perfect date with a perfect ending; but something I realized too late is that perfect does not exist, unless you believe in God.  Let’s face it, who would want to date a perfect being, it would suck and be annoying. So, I am happy that I am not perfect in any shape or form; and that most people who meet me think I am either crazy or a freak.  Maybe that is why some boys are attracted to my charm, they love my awesomeness, which I cannot totally blame them for.  To be honest, I never really quite understood what it was that made a guy look my way, why me and not another girl; more questions to add to my list.  I have a list filled with unanswered questions that I am hoping to ask God when I die, so please exist!

            Back to my beautiful fairytale… Eric was perfect after our first date, we made a big transition from one date to a relationship.  I am not going to lie, IT FREAKED ME OUT! He would hold my hand, kiss me in front of people, and I got stupid butterflies every time he came near me, it was a nightmare. He texted me every minute of the day, annoying the poop out of me blah blah blah… Boring stuff.

            I am about to let you in a little secret about the person I am, I am a virgin, SHHH! Please do not tell anybody, personal conversation.  I am not the kind to “get it in” any time soon after meeting a guy, or ever.  I never told Eric my secret, I think it was because I was embarrassed of something that should be cherished and did not want him to judge me in any way.  I was dumb for not being honest I understand, but you can imagine how sexual it got between us. A kiss here and there, lots of cuddling at our movie dates.  I never want to move to quick with a guy, I want him to fall hard for me before I give him any part of me.  He understood where I stood somehow and never quite pressured me to do anything I did not want to do.

            I remember him buying me tickets to my favorite sports team after I had told him about it in a passing conversation.  I could not believe my luck, I found a guy who was handsome and listened to what I told him; I hit the jackpot.  The problem was my mom surprised me with front row tickets for the same exact game, and knowing my stupid self I told him about it  and he was cool about not using his tickets( I mean at least that is what it looked like).  He picked me up and was brave enough to meet my three older brothers, two biological and one big family moocher. Eric was willing to do anything to take me out on a date, which I gave him a lot of credit for. I got in the car and accidently sat on a piece of paper, a parking pass he had bought. This guy really did think of everything. The sad part was I opened my big fat slobbery mouth, “ Oh I already got the parking pass.”  Shit, poop, why are you so stupid!! Those were the reoccurring thoughts that kept appearing in my mind after that disappointing look he let me see for about two seconds before it was back to a fake smile. He put on his country music and we were on our way, I felt like a bitch and thank God I had no idea what he was feeling.  Till next time.


Ladies Stay Away From Country Boys!!!

            Let’s face it…Country boys are sexy and there is just something intoxicating about that little accent some of the boys possess.  They tend to wear worn out blue jeans, plaid button down shirts, worn down muddy boots, and their favorite baseball cap.  They walk around tall and strong, proud to be Americans with a confidence that may leave any girl begging for air. They drive around in pick-up trucks, blasting country music, with a shot-gun hiding in the back seat. They are the definition of men in my book. It is not that I do not find other men attractive, it is just that I met one who changed my view on men forever.

            A girl wants a boy to treat them like a princess every second of the day, and a country boy will do just that.  He will take you out, pick out pretty flowers, meet your mama, and do everything possible for you to fall hard. If he can play the guitar, he will sit you down and make you listen to a song he wrote JUST FOR YOU.

            Ladies my only advice is that you STAY THE HELL AWAY!! I understand how biased my opinion is, but I do not want to see girls go through the aching I had to go through after my encounter with this rare man. I also understand that one cannot stay away, so I am going to give you a few tips on how to make sure you stay true to yourself and you do not give into their stupid little games:

1. Every country boy loves his mama; sure it’s cute and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but do not let it cloud your judgment.

2. They are perfect gentleman and are always willing to meet your mama, they care about the impression they leave on others, so do not be fooled by that sweet smile he leaves on your mom’s face after you leave for your first date.

3. Country songs are like little stories made to fit into a 4 minute time slot;  they make you believe anything is possible. Keep your imagination on lock down until after 3 months of dating. Trust me, the heartbreak is unbearable.

4. The last tip I am going to leave you with is do not listen to anything but your own heart.  You are your own true judgment, if in your heart you see that your man is honest, sincere, and genuine; then please do not let him go.  I know I am contradicting myself a little, but I asked way too many questions without listening to my own self when I was in a relationship. Have a heart to heart with yourself before you decide to let anyone into your life.

I love country music, always have always will.  I know some people will like me a little more and others a little less and that is totally okay in my book.  I do not mean to trash talk country boys for I hope to find my own one day, and I might find him and he won’t even be country, who knows!? I just want to let you know to stay away from little games when it comes to your heart. No one really wins when there is so much to lose.